New marketing strategy: advertise our crapness!

There’s a new advert for eircom broadband doing the rounds.  I’d link to it, but it appears noone has deemed it worthy of uploading to YouTube just yet.  Understandably so.  A quick rundown of the advert:

There’s a party or some sort of social gathering on. Middle-aged bald, bespectacled guy – the stereotypical know-it-all, smug annoying neighbour – mentions to the host that he’s  gotten a new internet connection.

Host: “Let me get my IT department.”  His son wanders over. All 10 or so years of him. “Internet. Go.”  And the son asks a series of questions.

Son: “8Mb?”

Old, bald, guy: “Emm, yes.”

Son: “Uncongested?”

Old, bald, guy: “Eh…”

Son: “Kids in an exam year?”

Old, bald, guy: (thinks about it for a moment) “Yes.”

Son: “Studyhub?”

Old, bald, guy: “Eh… no?”

Son: “Free streaming music?”

Old, bald, guy: “No.”

Son: “*tsk* We’re done here.”

Which all seems fine and dandy.  Kids understand that internet thing. Old people don’t.  So our product, eircom broadband, is praised by this kid, while pointing out what a buffoon this old, bald guy is for getting the non-eircom package.

Now, in fairness, I do know some people who love their eircom broadband.

They all happen to live outside Dublin and have zero choice in internet service provider, if they want to pay a reasonable amount per month.  They “love” their eircom broadband in the same way I “love” oxygen.  I don’t have any choice in the matter…

So let’s rewind that advert…

Son: “8Mb?”

Old, bald, guy: “Jesus, no, not for a few years now. I used to be _promised_ 8Mb by eircom, and be charged for it, but they never managed more than 2 or 3Mb download.  I’m on 30Mb now.”

Son: “Uncongested?”

Old, bald, guy: “Of course!”

Son: “Kids in exam year?”

Old, bald, guy: “For the sake of this imaginary conversation, let’s say yes.”

Son: “Studyhub?”

Old, bald, guy: “Eh… no.  You’ve got me there.  But y’know, it’s the internet.  It has things like Google.  So they can look up all sorts of wonderful educational resouces from all over the world. And, because it’s an actual decent connection, they won’t see that ‘buffering’ thing we used to get when we were on eircom.

Though I freely admit they’re far more likely to just be on Facebook or looking at cat videos on YouTube.”

Son: “Free streaming music?”

Old, bald, guy: “Eh… you really don’t get this whole ‘online’ thing, do you?  It’s the Internet!  Do you know how many free, streaming music services there are?”

Son: “Uhh… but aren’t they illegal?”

Old, bald, guy: “Eh, no.  Mind you, if you’re on eircom? Don’t be tempted to ever download anything you don’t have the rights to. Three-strikes rule. Eircom are the only ISP to have agreed to it.  Basically how it works is that you download something that they think is illegal, they’ll write to your dad.  Invasion of privacy, much?

And if it gets done four times from your connection, they’ll cut you off.  Even if it was you one time, your sister another, your dad another and – oh – better hope your wifi is secure, too… cos those stereotypical students next door, if they were to hack your eircom wifi router and download stuff – yeah, you’d get blamed for that too.

But anyway – yeah, sorry, 8Megs and ‘free’ stuff that the Internet gives me anyway?  Look – I’m sorry, but we’re done here.”

Son: “Waaaaah!”

The thing is – everyone seems to know that eircom are crap.  Literally, the only people I know using them for internet are those who can’t get another ISP in their area.  Or those who’ve no techie knowledge whatsoever and just go for whatever seems handiest/the one they’ve heard of.  Or who really don’t want or need Internet apart from email and booking tickets. And one thing eircom does a lot of is advertising. “8Mb”  For real?  8Mb is… ten years ago.  Don’t boast about it.  Especially when you don’t even actually manage to deliver 8Mb!

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